Who’s the right therapist for me?
It’s not always easy to find a therapist that’s right for you. When you’re looking for one, it’s often when your defenses are low and you’re overwhelmed with stress; you might feel depressed, or maybe your nerves are frayed; you might well be filled with anxiety. Whatever the size and shape of the distress you’re experiencing, it can be difficult to open up to anyone. And the prospect of doing that with someone you’ve never met before? That can feel downright intimidating.
Seeking help is a challenging and vulnerable thing to do, and genuinely, you’re taking a big step by even considering it. On some level, getting to the question Who’s the right therapist for me? means that you’ve accepted, even if not fully, that you’re not doing as well as you would like, that you’re struggling.
Maybe it’s time to take the next step now, to find your answer to this question. And maybe it isn’t. Sometimes just naming the fact that we’re struggling is all we have the capacity for. If sifting through therapist profiles and websites, making calls or sending inquiry emails, and meeting with potential providers is more than you have the bandwidth for, that’s all right. It’s okay not to be ready for therapy, and it’s right to be gentle with yourself when that’s the case. Therapy isn’t going anywhere. When the time is right, it’ll still be there for you.
If, on the other hand, now is the time to find a therapist, how do you do it?
The right therapist, just like the right friend, looks a little different for each of us. Just as you’re not going to be friends with everyone, not every therapist is going to be the right match for you. There’s a certain amount of luck and chemistry that makes one human being a good match with another, whether that’s as a significant other, a business partner, a good friend, a doctor, or in this case a therapist who can listen to you and help you to see things in ways that you don’t see them on your own, someone to accompany you and guide you as you work to make meaningful changes in your life. And timing plays a big part in the match, too. Just as our friendships shift based on where we are in our lives physically, professionally, emotionally, and developmentally, so, too, do our needs for support. Certainly, some of us have the same best friend for a lifetime; more often, our closest friendships shift and evolve as we traverse the courses of our lives, crossing paths with now one friend, later on another, and later still someone else.
There’s a lot of uncertainty in this, but it’s not all uncertainty. Whether it’s IFS therapy with me that you’re contemplating, or the same therapy with someone else, or a different kind of therapy altogether, there are some basic precepts that can help you as you look for that right person.
First, you need to feel safe with your therapist. Safety means different things for each of us; personality, experience, and circumstance bestow upon us varying needs for security. There’s no right or wrong to your needs, though: whatever emotional safety means to you, however it feels, that’s what’s right for you. The bottom line is that you need to feel safe in order to open up to another person in your vulnerability, and that’s all the more important if the person’s job is to help you while you’re struggling.
You also deserve a therapist who understands you. We feel safe with people who just get us. Whether you’re browsing therapist websites or meeting with the provider for a consultation or a session, the therapist you’re considering should give you the impression that he/she/they understands you emotionally and intellectually. Our sense of safety deepens when someone meets us where we are with understanding, openness, and compassion. You want a therapist who demonstrates a capacity for doing that from the outset.
You also need to feel that your therapist isn’t judging you. Judgment can motivate us to make changes; that’s undeniable. Our inner critics are so present and prevalent because their approach works: they drive us to persevere through struggles of all shapes and sizes. In my experience, however, the change that endures most and with the greatest buy-in from all parts of us is the change that comes about when a person feels truly held, understood, and embraced rather than criticized or diminished. Your therapist should ensure that you feel that way.
To be clear, this isn’t just about feeling comfortable. Change frequently comes about when and because we’re uncomfortable. You often find yourself distressed, overwhelmed, and in intense discomfort because the world, either the external world or the world inside of you, is signaling that something isn’t right: you’re out of balance, and you need to do something about that. In other words, you need these moments of discomfort. You don’t want to work with a therapist who’s only going to offer comfort and sympathy. Comfort and sympathy are part of the therapeutic relationship, but good therapy is about more than feeling good: it’s is about helping you to feel safe enough that you can start to address your discomfort.
The right therapist for your friend or your neighbor or your cousin may well be different from the therapist who’s right for you. What they’re likely to have in common, though, is that they ensure our safety, understand us, and help us to feel just comfortable enough that we can deal with the challenges that are causing us distress. To distill this down even further, what you need and what you deserve in your therapist is a person that you believe in and who believes in you. It’s when you find and experience that therapeutic relationship that the change you’re hoping for can happen.
“What you need and what you deserve in your therapist is a person that you believe in and who believes in you. It’s when you find and experience that therapeutic relationship that the change you’re hoping for can happen. ”
Sometimes it does take time to find the right match. You may not feel safe enough to open up with the first person that you connect with. That’s a normal part of the process, disenchanting, disheartening, and frustrating though it can be. So be patient with yourself, and be patient with your process. If you need a bit of break during your search, that’s okay. Catch your breath when you need to, and lean into your persistence. Support is out there, and if you stick with the process, you will find the right person to support you, to help you back up to your feet, and to guide you to all the wisdom, talent, and light that’s inside of you.
